(via ourheartsarelight)
life.
Through a sudden rush of inspiration from acoustic music, I want to write a little on life. On how crazy it is. About it’s intricacies. It’s like we’re all marbles on a table that has 2 legs missing, and someone’s constantly trying to keep us steady.
Nothing’s ever the same, and everything’s always too far out of reach. And then when it finally seems in reach, it slips away just like a ship being hit by one swift and gargantuan wave. What lays ahead of you isn’t always the same either, and that’s the problem. It’s like you’re outrunning a glacier, you can do it, but you can’t go back to get something where the glacier now is. You can’t go and change the past. You can only look into it, and see it fade as the ice grows thicker, blocking out all light. Until all you have is static shapes and static memories.
The person you lost. The test you failed. They’re all set in time, unchangeable, immutable. The only thing that ever changes is us. Sometimes I feel like I can’t take it either. I just want to lay down and stop everything. Halt the movement of the stormy sea. Calm my troubles. And just ease my mind. I can from time to time, but mostly it’s overwhelming and incomprehensibly frustrating. I just can’t calm down. And I get a shortness of breath. A knot in my stomach the way a kid does when they do something they know their parents will punish them for. I’ve broken a vase. I’ve disrupted my calm.
I can’t change that, and sometimes it’s not even me who disrupts it. It’s not my fault, but I feel like it’s directed for me. Like, I didn’t do this when I had the chance, and now it’s come back to make me regretful. It’s just not fair. I can’t understand in the present how my actions will affect me in the future. I just can’t. It’s not my fault I can’t, no one can process that information that fast. No one can know that this simple action will lead to a world of problems for you tomorrow, especially when dealing with emotions.
It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.
I don’t know if I can agree. Life to me means understanding nothing is ever the same. So that means love can never be the same. So when you lose love, it’s not like losing an iPhone. You’re horribly upset something so pivotal to your everyday routine was lost, but in a week you can have another one, just like the last, or even better. Love, is so unique and personal, that nothing about it can ever be the same. Nothing about life can ever be the same because of it. So losing love isn’t like losing something replaceable, because it isn’t replaceable. It’s an inexplicable feeling, losing love.
I don’t know how I feel about anything anymore. Sometimes I just feel deadened to the world. Unresponsive and comatose to it’s stimuli. Other times I feel engulfed in emotions and actions and people and places and things, that I can’t focus or begin to understand why I think the things I do. I just think them and say them. I just let them be me because that’s what I’m thinking at the time. It’s not my fault either. It’s just, there’s too much going on in my head for me to account for and deal with at one time.
I’ve changed subject a lot. From life to love and then to me. I just don’t know why I am how I am. And sometimes that bothers me. And sometimes I would just like for someone to see that, and want to listen, and want to know how I work and why I am how I am.
